May 27, 2024

Column: “That Got Me to Thinkin’…? “Untrustworthy Indicators”


“That Got Me To Thinkin’…?” “Untrustworthy Indicators” Chapter 81
By Bruce Williams

Bruce Williams

As a public service, and as a matter of furthering a better understanding of my own sex, I’m providing some red flags for those of you still out there in the dating scene.  A guideline for trustworthiness, if you will.  An insight into maleness, should you care to open that particular Pandora’s Box.  Let’s get right to it, shall we?

Men on BMX bikes.  My experience with adult males who are seen furiously pedaling BMX bikes is that they’re never up to any good.  Yes, the bike is probably stolen.  Yes, they probably have drugs for sale on their persons.  Yes, they probably keep their cash in their socks.  No, you shouldn’t accept their offer to ride on the handlebars.

Men who drive Murder Vans.  What is a Murder Van (capitalized here for the coffee table book that I’m working on) you ask?  Well let me tell you…you’re looking for rust, filth, the lack of windows or worse—ones either obscured or curtained.  There’ll be dents, missing hubcaps, headlights and taillights out, and inside handles removed.  Maybe some mold or marsh algae, broken wing windows…really the list goes on and on.  Do not date—hell, don’t even get in for crying out loud…even (especially) if it has faded ice cream stickers adhered to its side panel.

Men with waxed eyebrows.  I understand that your peoples come from the Mediterranean region, but you can just pull out those wiry, wayward Greeks without going full on Devil’s apprentice with those pencil-thin, manicured brows.  I’ll toss in the ‘roid rage and beer muscles for free on this one, too.

Men with shirts unbuttoned too far.  An immediate tip off to untrustworthiness, gents who pause at that second or third button only briefly before flicking it open with their thumb and index finger to expose their chest tufts or shaved cleavage.  This fellow swings—a dripping lothario of the first order.  Please check with your pharmacist before approaching.

Men who don medallions.  Too much bling in most cases is a bad omen.  Gold chains a’danglin’ when he shoots his cuffs?  Pass.  I think chokers and puka shells deserve a head nod here as well, unless you’re still on vacation for the latter or pulling an oxen’s yoke for the former.

Men with Velcro wallets.  This is less an indicator of deceitfulness as it is of just being a lost soul in general.  When I hear that familiar  rrriiippp!!! and I turn to see a guy with salt and pepper hair, something’s gone terribly wrong.  To a lesser extent, the fellow with the huge Constanza billfold—his every punch card, expired ID, receipt and hard candy still resides there.  Read: hoarder—and no, Blockbuster’s not going back into business, so you can go ahead and throw out your membership card now.

Men whose occupation is personal trainer, bouncer or hairdresser.  Now we’ve all known the exception to this rule, but I’ll bet it’s just as likely that you’ve known a couple of examples of why this rule is exactly true.  Their proximity to spandex, pony tails and female drunkenness make them less than ideal mates.  And while there may not be that many straight male hairdressers anymore, Warren Beatty’s turn in Shampoo merits their eternal inclusion.

Men who have an alternative identity on their dating profile.  Somewhat obvious but still in need of illuminating because I used to work with just such a character whose alternative identity of “Tony from France” was outed by another female coworker who frequented such sites and recognized his picture.  The fact that “Tony” was later arrested for a string of sexual assaults while on his dates only gassed that fabulist’s fire.  

Men who wear makeup.  This might be odd and rare, yes, but I was talking to a fellow with his wife a few weeks ago, and noticed his heavy foundation cracking at his eye’s laugh lines.  I’m also pretty sure he had lip gloss on.  Now if you’re trans and work in cosmetics, knock yourself out…go crazy with the rouge and smoky eyes; but if you’re a husband and father?  I don’t know…maybe I’m getting old.  And please don’t wear mascara unless you’re in a band—and then only when you’re at your actual gig, m’kay?

Men who live with their mothers.  Teens and temporarily post-college?—okay, you get a pass.  But a 30-year old whose mommy still washes and folds his tighty whities?  Hard pass.  Don’t you dare be his couchside plus-one for “Mom! More meatloaf!”

Men who play a lot of video games.  Run, run, run…especially if he wants to talk about his high scores on the first date.  Now playing a spare game of Madden every now and again is no crime, but hours spent every day in front of graphics on a screen in an imaginary universe are probably a tip off that you’ve got yourself a bit of a yawny bore.

Well I hope I’ve helped and not just offended (often my unintentioned specialty).  I’m sure all of us guys see glimpses of ourselves here (I did have a big, juicy van at one time), and if only just stating the obvious to the fairer sex, maybe it can be a call-out to (capital-M) Men in general to get better, do better…be better.  Probably not, though—buyer beware, ladies.